Monday, March 22, 2010

What does it take?

I have always wanted to be in a successful, committed, long term marriage. I always wondered what was the secret that kept a man and a women together through the tuff times, the hardships, the pain, the ups and downs of life? What made that couple different from the millions of others that never make it?

I have always wanted to be that couple that made it through. I mean not just suffered but looked back and found myself successful at navigating life's hardships with my spouse and to come out stronger and closer.  Except here is the twist.. No one can make two people work together at the same time or even at all. I could place blame and cast stones, I could tell you all the pain and wrong I suffered and even inflicted but does it really matter? When in the end ALL I WANT TO KNOW is how to fix ME.

This is my 2nd marriage and I left the first one due to a huge miscommunication between us. First hubby thought it was acceptable and Ok to not keep a job, sleep around and produce kidlets that were not OURS. Things that were not conducive to a marriage with me.

Then I married again and I thought I had it all figured out.. But I didn't. There were hardships and pain ad neither he nor I (2nd hubby) could seem to overcome the challenges. I have wanted to leave. I have almost left. I have had plans, I have been determined and frightful in my inability to see the harm and damage I was inflicting. That was until the bus come to a screeching halt on top of my world crushing it to bits.

I am in a place of pain and reality. I can no longer ignore the reality of life seeping in through the gaping wounds of my marriage. I am an optimistic person, I know that most things can be overcome if people are willing to put in the work. I know that I have tenacity and grit to bear through. I just don't know if HE does.

Life is a journey and at this moment I am laying on the floor in a PANIC, overwhelmed with pain and fear. I am giving myself permission to feel these things. I will count to 10 feel the fear and then pick myself up and MOVE ON. I have seen the depth of my pain and I guess I can do nothing but go UP from here. I am depressed and I am filled with anxiety but I acknowledge this and I will allow myself to feel then and then I will move on. I just have to figure out for how long. I hope I feel like getting on with life sooner then later.

Saturday, March 13, 2010

Its been almost a month

I have had a lot going on in my life and I went into hiding. Blogging was not on the top of my too do list although I enjoy this place to express myself.

I am pregnant and due Sept 12th. This pregnancy has come as a TOTAL surprise and has continued to bring surprising results with it. I am happy to be pregnant but the pregnancy has caused its own sets of complications.

1st being the strain on my already strained marriage.

2nd being my schooling as I am a graduate student and this baby's arrival will be smack dab at the beginning of my last year of graduate school.

3rd being the stress on my marriage.

My last child is 5 years old and I had not expected to see another little one in my life anytime soon, but I guess God has a way of giving us what we need not what we want. I love each and every one of my children but the combination of school, family life, and marriage has placed me in a position of stress that I wish I was NOT in. Who wants to be stressed? NO one but there are times in our lives where we find our self in a position that is not very comfortable.

Because of the stresses in my life I feel unsure and uncertain about my future. I am worried about how I will manage a new baby, an internship 3 full days a week, a load of full time classes, family obligations and then the uncertainty of my marriage.

In the end I know I will make it through this. I know this too will pass but I just wish it had been smoother.

On happier news this baby is HEALTHY and perfect per the ultrasound tech but I already knew that lol. Baby has the nick name of Plankton at this time and Plankton is measuring 2-3 days ahead of schedule consistently for the past few weeks. I am looking forward to MOVEMENT! I am pretty sure that in the next 2-3 weeks I should begin to feel movement which will put my mind at ease as well as give me something happy and exciting to look forward to.